Still Around

I'm still around, but not sure for how long.
The pain is steadily going up, and with that the pain medications. There has also been an increase in nausea.
I have been getting regular and breakthrough medication for both extra pain and nausea. They were both making me drowsy though. I have been spending more time in bed, more time being in pain. The medical team here is amazing. They are so caring and making sure I don't feel bad about asking for help when I need it.

I haven't eaten or really drank in weeks, getting my nutrition through TPN and IV fluids. It means that I don't have anything to throw up even when I'm nauseous, which is kind of a plus.
When I get my medication, especially the pain medication, it makes me sleepy. Sleeping is nice. Sleep means not feeling the pain. I don't always remember my dreams, but I feel they are ok, comforting. The idea of slipping into a nice sleepy dream and not waking up feels more and more appealing, a silent goodbye of sorts, much better than the prospect of going out in pain. Maybe when the sleep is helped by the pain medication there is less dreams involved, maybe it's a different kind of rest.

Today, at the suggestion of my doctor I had a special procedure done. It was a quick and relatively painless procedure that left me with a tube coming out of my stomach that the nurses can use to relieve the pressure and nausea from my stomach every few hours. I am still waiting to see the results of the procedure, but the doctor is hopeful that it will relieve the recent increase in pain and nausea. I am hopeful.

On another plus side, I completed all the 'last letters' I really wanted to get done. These letters currently come in three parts : last individual fairwell letters that are meant as a collection of thoughts for the child/person\family - what I want for them, my hopes and dreams for them, what our joint experiences have been, what I see as their best qualities, what I wish for them to continue and develop, how I wish to see them grow etc. ; Then there are the Bar/Bat Mitzvah letters - letters to be read during their ceremony should they complete their Bar / Bat Mitzvah ceremony ; and 'last letter' to the world that is meant as a goodbye letter posted to this blog or Facebook, or both, but basically is meant for all of you.

There are other projects that I have considered for myself to get done, but their importance became more questionable - originally I was going to write a letter for each birthday age of each kid up until 18 or 20, but when I realized how many letters that would mean I updated the project to 'just get the first goodbye letters done. Now that those are done I'm questioning if I should leave it at that or add any other milestone events in between. For example, some family members recommended I also write letters for age transitions - like early and late pubescent letters -  A pubescent letter would be about entering puberty, the transitions involved in becoming an emotionally mature adult, becoming responsible for your actions and for the messages that you are communicating both verbally and non-verbally. etc. And there are the option of writing wedding letters which will be about commitment and devotion and how they see those playing a part in being part of society.

I feel I might be over-thinking this, I'm not sure. What value would those extra letters really add to the totalitary of the letter writing?  All of those letters are important, but are at a different time scale and meaning for the person, and as such by the time they are read they might not be as applicable or relevant, coming from a dead relative and all.

These are just my thought these days, through the daze of the pain and nausea that I'm hoping will subside a bit.
As usual, I love and appreciate you all,

Thank you ,
Amir